I thought I was the weird one!!?!

I was at the grocery store the other day, chilling in the produce department, choosing some celery (Because sometimes being an adult is boring). I was minding my own business, intent on securing the twist tie on my produce bag when a woman locked eyes with me and marched right towards me, invading my personal space and trapping me between the refrigerated produce display and her cart. We are in a pandemic people, but this woman, with zero regards for social distancing came within 8 inches of me, took her mask down and asked "Do your legs swell up? They look like the kind of legs that swell up real good." I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. A noise that was something of an uuuhhhhh noise escaped my lips. I stared at her with my mouth open in shock at the very personal question posed by a complete stranger. To be fair, I was wearing a mask and she was unable to see my mouth open in confusion. She must have thought my uuhhhhhhh noise was intrigue instead of perplexity and then informed me that "You just need to cut ALL salt out of your diet. All salt. Nothing and you will never have a problem". I was still lost for words. I managed to say "OK. Good to know." I can only assume Weird Lady felt that she had completed her mission at this point and then walked away towards the onions leaving me to ponder this bizarre human interaction. I have so many feelings. Indulge me while I explore them.

On one hand...I am impressed as all heck that she is able to determine swelling legs compared to non-swelling legs at a distance. I have heard of specially trained dogs that can sniff out cancer and changes to blood sugar or can sense when a seizure is coming to their human companion. I was unaware of any humans that could do this. It is unfortunate that she didn't have a more useful sniffer skill. I would have preferred someone who could sniff out why I have trouble getting a date or could sniff out the winning lottery numbers. Water retaining legs is not debilitating or life threatening and is really useless information.

On the other hand...perhaps she is deceiving me? She didn't flash me her "Swollen leg sniffer Certification". What if she is a former employee of a Salt Company? What if she left her job on bad terms and is now trying to destroy the industry all together by pretending to be a Swollen leg sniffer telling innocent shoppers to cut ALL salt out of their diet?? A grocery store is the ideal place for the front line of this war. Just hang out in the salt aisle or around any food one typically salts to find victims. It is fiendishly evil and brilliant! Well played, weird lady. Well played.

If I had a third hand...I am feeling some irritation that our exchange was very one sided (Meaning only her side was heard). You see...I was wearing a mask which covered my expressions. (Shock. Confusion. Alarm. Terror...to name a few). I was surprised at her forwardness and how damned close she came to me that I was stuck for words. For those of you who know me well know that I am NEVER stuck for words. I excel at the art of bullshit and always have a snappy comeback. If she were able to watch my mouth hang open in confusion followed by my lips pursed in annoyance, she may have known to SHUT UP and walk away. Instead I was literally trapped against the celery forced to hear her anti-salt speech. I blame the mask for blocking my non-verbal communication and can not shake the sensation that she got the last word. I feel unfulfilled. It keeps me awake at night.

The fourth hand...I feel a sense of relief. It was encouraging for once to have undeniable confirmation that I, for once, was NOT the weirdest person in the room. This is a new feeling and so far, I rather like it.

I would like at this time to address Weird Lady directly and share some tips on how to be the Weirdest Person around. #1: Pick something better to judge people about. Why pick on my chubby legs when the world is full of terrible people doing horrible things? Direct your energy into something useful. It is OK to be both weird and kind. #2: STAY 6 FEET AWAY AND WEAR A MASK!!! It is OK to be both safe and weird. Finally #3: There is a fine line between weird and creepy. DON'T CROSS THE LINE INTO CREEPY. Nobody want to have to call the cops when they are just trying to buy some celery for a tuna melt. Seriously, Weird Lady? WTF?